dose of reality

maybe its the rain..

In January 2006 I moved to San Jose. Mia Doi Todd's Manzanita album was on repeat that winter. It rained for a month straight, and I had just experienced love and had left it all. Love that was real and new. I again took this out today. Winter why do you make me feel this way?

It got warmer again that year and a new love had emerged that is when La Ninja: Love and Other Dreams of Manzanita was on repeat. I love going thru older favorite music and falling in love with it again.

Alum Rock Park

it might be beginning to feel like fall and closer to winter

moments

im in love,

with living.

there was a life i had forgotten about

it was only because i was living for another

awakened again

to the adventures ahead

and its only the beginning

is this love..

...or friendship?

"but then there is him....

humilde corazon

hugs

plays the music

sings the songs

makes me burn the candels

listening closely

creative

smile that matches mine

deceive

not meant to be

im not going to stay

im not goint to live a life where i cant be free

got me..."

....

"there is beauty in hope

and you know what the weird thing about this is

its the fact

that i cant open up like this to nobody

you make me laugh and you dont even try.

im in love with that.

and with everything you do."

....

"you think i wouldnt be suprise

that you acted that way

but everytime i see you

i fall in love all over again

i understand

we can never be,

more than a moment.

what summers are dreamed of

memories fading."

....

"i know her name

she might be quite something, to hold you."

....

"i never told you the things i thought as i held you,

but oh well.

ill keep it to myself

for there be many others."

....

"you come back in my dreams

here inside me,

wait until i awake."

....

"an hour

turns into 3

i missed where i was suppose to go

im not jealous of your girlfriend

im intimadated,

of all of them.

im trying to live this honest life

i want to let you know exactly what im thinking

i dont want to keep anything inside

ive made that mistake many times

ill always be the friend

and im in love with that.

im in love with the impossible

but thats why i leave

and follow dreams.

ill leave you behind

because you dont stop me."

....

"i gave up on the pleasure of your kiss so i wont feel the pain

we waited until the dawn came

laying in the middle of the park

warm blanket

warm arms

im bad for him

im no good

yet he stood by my side

im his until poets run out of rhymes

yet

actions speak louder than words

and there is no action

only words

i inspire

i love

he loves

he doesnt say much

so i stand there looking

waiting for him to say something

under the influence i grasp

love

and push

and pull

for him

to understand

late night phone calls

everyday

phone rings

hes too good to me

so good

i fall back

to make sure

its true

ive been here before

im true

im feeling older

i inspire him

yet

he tames the demons inside"

....

"i really dont want to fall in love

hurting is infinite...

and losing people in my life

is far worst.

i cant see my life without us"

these are snippets of journals

span of years of friendship

and after all this he is still the most awesome friend a girl can have

in and out of life

but can't see life without

at the moment.

busy

but not really
busy
doing nothing
and
everything
doing all the things i don't get to during the rest of the year
i love summer.

ps.
can't wait for fall.
new routine.
always good.
back to school.

open road

i want to be on the road

in serious need of open road

road trip

The Black Keys - To Afraid To Love You
The Black Keys - Never Gonna Give You Up

at night

there is a sudden affair between strangers

idea numero uno

zines

periodicals

books

"Oprah!?" .... "Opa!!"

the spontaneity of friendship
is what i enjoy
a small reminder of a friends inspiration
inspired by other friends
where its a cycle of wonderful people around me
what joy i find in the new
enjoying the passing of time
at night
i really just want to be in love with life
and knowing that doing is just what i need
i realize that maybe everything is going to be alright
and i turned and walked into the world


Talking Heads - This Must Be The Place

one day ill be leaving this town

i would like to live in the country
in a country cottage
with a garden where i will smell the flowers in the morning



Este sitio es tan frío
No hables por mí
No quiero hablar
Es perder mi tiempo
No me hagas reír
No me hagas llorar
No me preguntes mi nombre
No me mires a los ojos
Amigo mío
Camera Obscura - Amigo Mio

follow intuition

I believe there is no reason
for me to change.
Will i eventually end up alone
if i decide not to make changes.
I'm often asked if I regret anything
I've ever written or disclosed or done.
I don't.
People wonder what could possibly be the benefit of about being so completely upfront about this kind of shit.
about how i want grow by experience,
and where i find inspiration in people around me.
I find that laying the bad stuff all out there means that people can't have expectations of me being
anything except exactly who I am.
Sure, it leaves me open to ridicule,
if i open up to everyone
but I think when people do such things,
it actually says so much more about them than it does about me.
im not afraid to have my opinions
and i refuse to let a man
make me believe
i live i a life of no reason
no meaning


Soko - No Love
Joan as Police Woman - Eternal Flame

body soaks up love like a paper towel

and still is dry

i wonder if that moment
is worth the wait
am i really going to do this
am i really going to figure it out
am i really going to wait
am i really going to change
for you
am i really that strong
am i really that weak
i wonder what you really think of me
why do we stop
i saw you
stop and think
when you wrote our name on the wall
i knew you had to fight the devil
sharing different heartbeats
in one night




In my age of reason
Complicated by feeling
I dream of impossible things
I dream of impractical things

In my age of anxiety
Complicated by destiny
I waste away the day

In my age of anger
Complicated by female matters
I scream mutiny

In my age of desperation
Complicated by ambition
I shoot myself in the foot

In my age of envy
Complicated by money
I go for broke

In my age of doubt
Complicated by our falling out
I pray to an unexistent God

Mia Doi Todd - Age of Reason

our brains create a complex loop

"do you have pre-thoughts that are pure and direct then once proccessed through the mind of ...... gathers more complexaties and rare puzzle pieces with the other end that wont match cuz you dont even know where that piece goes?"

we talk without saying many words
under the influence being near
words flow
im not in love but its ok to stay with you

music is fundamental
original source of who i am
so ill try and add some music here
maybe ill talk about it maybe i wont
just listen


Soko - so sweet yet so not
a womans scorn sounds so lovely


Vecar - Listen to "Don't Let Go"
theres a reason for everything..
let me think about that
i believed there was reasons for everything
there had to be a reason for all the actions, every action has a re-action
i need to head back to physics
im very impressed by this band, songs are incredibly written
words impress my ears and thoughts
where i think and fall in love
especially "Intricate Machine"
"and in your eyes my heart is fire
but in your dreams my heart is like and ocean
and you drown....."


"were all in love, but the fire went out"..."we were so young but love so old...the music starts playing dance till 3 you were not alone, but not with me"

Vecar
Soko - Ill Kill Her

critical thinking

openness: common sense and innovated ideas.
evaluation: engineering.
purposeful thinking: fresh new ideas for a change, with a benefit.





Gareth Pugh



bloop!